Getting Divorced Always Makes Me Sad

Not that I did it often, only twice, but with my first husband I would have divorced him four or five times more if I could've. I don't like to call them exes because to me that implies they've been cancelled as people. If they've been cancelled then that means I've been cancelled too. I don't want to be cancelled. I have too many things I still want to do. So they're either first husband, second husband, or former husband #1, former husband #2, etc.

I don't know about you but I felt relief when I divorced, both times. With first husband there was much hostility on both sides. He moves out. Relief. With second husband I'm sitting on the front porch, numb, as he's loading his things in his car. Eventually feelings seep into my body and I start quietly sobbing. He sits down next to me, puts an arm around my shoulders and tries to comfort me. All the while I'm thinking to myself "he's really almost gone. He's really almost gone." And what am I feeling? Relief!

Sure, divorce leaves you with lots of conflicting emotions. When I woke the next day after husband #1 left, I remember thinking, "I don't believe God really intended for me to live without a wonderful husband, a helpmeet, good companion, terrific daddy. God didn't really expect me to mow the lawn, maintain the car and the house, earn a living (with no education), and raise two very young little ones who were total victims in this ugly situation. All by myself?" Took me most of 30 years to realize that God didn't intend for me to live alone. I'm thinking maybe I took a wrong turn or two somewhere, like maybe choosing the wrong man (men). Like maybe looking for love in all the wrong places as the song goes. I didn't invite God along for the ride and look where it got me. Could be worse. I could still be married to one of them.